Dissapearing dad.

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“I’m sorry dude your dad just got busy I guess”….

“Awwww”

“Dude I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do….c’mon lets go get some ice cream”

“Okay mom!”

And in an instant he forgot…..he forgot his own father just let him down one more time or at least I think he did.

“Are you happy Xzavier?” I sadly asked him as we sat and ate our melting ice cream outside of the parlor…

“Yes momma” he said as he tried to shovel his ice cream into his itty bitty mouth

“Good baby…I’m happy that you’re happy”

“Thanks mommy”

Dear disappearing dad,

I would love to be able to tell you that your children ask for you but that would be a lie and even if they did you don’t deserve the pleasure of knowing they still ask for you even after all the disappointment you have given them.Do you think it is me that needed you? Do you think it is me that wanted to see you? Do you think that it is me who needs a father? To much of your surprise I do not need you, I do not want to see you and no I do not need a father.

Excuse after excuse and I’m wondering when I will run out, or what the next one will be….I often wonder when you will just completely give up, or have you already and just don’t want to face it yourself? You constantly ask to see them and when given the chance “I don’t have time to pick up the boys today” is probably the most used excuse, I sure do love getting that call 10 minutes before you’re supposed to be here; I just love being the person to deliver the shocking news that “Daddy isn’t coming today” I know that you think the boys won’t remember these days but that’s a lie, we don’t know what they will remember….do you know that your son ran up to a stranger that LOOKED similar to you screaming “DADDY!!!”? Of course not…and the pain I felt when I saw him run to that stranger will forever haunt me because I could see the happiness in his face when he thought it was you….and the sadness in his face when he looked up only to see a stranger looking down at him with a smile…

So i’d like for you to know that they don’t NEED you like you think they do because frankly you aren’t that great of a dad anyways. If I have to learn to throw a football for my 2 boys I will, if I have to teach them to “be a man” I will, if I have to be the assistant coach for the baseball team I will….they don’t NEED you they WANTED you…they wanted the father son connection that some boys are lucky enough to have but I will forever have the pleasure of being Mom and Dad for them because at the end of they day they will know who has always been there, who worked hardest for them, who learned how to throw a football for them…they will know who WANTED to be there for them instead of being FORCED to be there for them; which I will not do. I will not FORCE you to do what you’re SUPPOSED to do…instead I will do it for you; I will take the RESPONSIBILITY for your actions because I love my boys more than you will ever know.

I will not bad mouth your name because lets be honest you’ve proven yourself already in just 3 short years, I will not say you left them behind for the single lifestyle because just as I did they will grow up to realize for themselves that it was you. It wasn’t me who held you back from them, you did it yourself…and yes they will put it together that you only lived 15 minutes away and didn’t want to come pick them up for the day….and boy do I pray that they are nice about the way they tell you how they feel about you because I know I was angry about mine when I figured it out but they are fine for now and I’d like to Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be both Mom and Dad because not only am I having the pleasure of teaching them things a mother is supposed to teach them but also what a father is…the satisfaction of being able to do both is incredible…we have memories together that YOU were supposed to have with them and they are memories I will forever cherish. So Thank you for disappearing…Dad.

“You’re just a baby with babies”

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Probably one of the worst things you can say to a young mother (in my eyes), and usually when it’s said to me I give you a fake laugh and smile thinking “Oh here we go” and roll my eyes right in my face to you…in my head of course because that would just be rude right? I know I’m a young mother but that doesn’t make me any less successful than an older mother I mean successful is different to all of us if you really think about it…yes it may take me a little longer to get life stuff together, yes I may struggle with growing WITH my child into adulthood because at 22 I definitely wasn’t a “real” adult but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I work harder everyday of my life to prove not only to myself but to my children because I know the odds are against us but I will not give up and not to say I’m working to prove to others but it’d be nice to smile and wave in front of those people who doubted me because of my age. I do wonder how different my life would be if I waited or what I would be doing today if I didn’t have children at this moment, but don’t we all? Doesn’t everyone wonder what if?

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Being single means freedom….right?

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A lot of people seem to look down on single…matter of fact I used to be that person. I used to think “Oh god I could never be alone, that must suck” not really seeing the beauty behind being single….not really thinking about how much freedom that person had and I mean that’s what life is about right? Being free to do whatever you want….

I was 18 when I first started my first “real relationship”, 19 when I found out I was pregnant, 20 when I had my first child, 22 when I had my 2nd child and 3 months later we split. Almost immediately I began my second “real relationship” (my son was 3 months old) and dated him for about 2 years…looking back at it that was 6 years of my life that I shared with someone. 6 years of my life that I should’ve been focusing on myself, my goals, my dreams, travelling, laughing, going out, finding my hobbies, my passions…just being me. Yes you can do all those things in a relationship but mine weren’t like that and even then rather than having your OWN experience you have an experience you SHARE. Granted I learned a lot in those 6 years and I experienced some stuff most adults haven’t but I hadn’t lived for me…I lived for WE. What are WE going to do? How are WE going to do this? Which is what a relationship is about and all but how can WE work if I don’t know anything about ME? I had never been single in my prime, so I couldn’t tell you what I was like alone.

October 2015 my now ex decided it was time for us to go our separate ways…he needed to “find himself” and hopped on a plane to California. It broke my heart, I cried for weeks thinking “What am I going to do? I’ve never been alone? Aren’t you yourself when you’re with me?” I didn’t really understand what that meant until he left, looking back at it I’m jealous that he was able to do it so quickly and easily because I didn’t have the balls to do it and I really couldn’t just pack up and leave since I have the kids and all but ever since he left I can tell you this…I love being alone. I am finding myself more and more everyday and it feels amazing, it feels amazing to be in touch with my mind…and not someone else’s. I love being able to do what I want and when I want, go where I want when I want, eat what I want even at 3am, not that my ex held me back at all but when you’re in a relationship you kind of lose yourself….ya know? And even though we are not on speaking terms I thank him everyday for doing what he did, it broke my heart I wont lie and I sit here and shed a tear for that guy because I truly loved him and still do…but if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be doing me. I’d be doing WE. I hope that everyone has this moment in life, where you stop and think “What about me?” and do what you have to do for YOU because at the end of the day only you can do you, only you can create the life you want, enjoy the freedom of being single…and I don’t mean going out and getting wasted every weekend, I mean seriously enjoy being SINGLE. Go on a hike, go eat alone, go to a show alone, be ALONE and embrace it and you know what? A lot of people tell me “You’re not alone! You have the boys!” and yes you’re right technically I have 2 little boys with me 24/7 but have you ever tried to have a real conversation with a 3 year old? Have you ever tried venting to a 3 year old about your day? About the universe? About life itself? NO….a single parent knows what I mean in that aspect so listen to me I promise if you start going more alone you’ll slowly start finding out who you really are even when you think you already knew. So don’t dwell on being single…embrace the freedom that you now have because you may not ever be this free again

FINALLY!

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So about 3 weeks ago I posted on my Facebook that I would be starting my blog soon and asked for suggestions, I plan on talking about everything you can imagine here. I’m talkin politics, food, mom life, beauty tips, crafts, money saving tips, relationship advice, Q&A’s….pretty much anything you can think of and I would love if my readers were involved! Tell me what you think about my blog, tell me what you think I should talk about in my next blog, ask me questions! Be ACTIVE! I would love for each and every one of you to follow me on my Instagram, Twitter and Facebook because I will post questions and topic idea’s on those too! Thanks to all my friends and family for the support!

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