“I’m sorry dude your dad just got busy I guess”….
“Dude I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do….c’mon lets go get some ice cream”
And in an instant he forgot…..he forgot his own father just let him down one more time or at least I think he did.
“Are you happy Xzavier?” I sadly asked him as we sat and ate our melting ice cream outside of the parlor…
“Yes momma” he said as he tried to shovel his ice cream into his itty bitty mouth
“Good baby…I’m happy that you’re happy”
Dear disappearing dad,
I would love to be able to tell you that your children ask for you but that would be a lie and even if they did you don’t deserve the pleasure of knowing they still ask for you even after all the disappointment you have given them.Do you think it is me that needed you? Do you think it is me that wanted to see you? Do you think that it is me who needs a father? To much of your surprise I do not need you, I do not want to see you and no I do not need a father.
Excuse after excuse and I’m wondering when I will run out, or what the next one will be….I often wonder when you will just completely give up, or have you already and just don’t want to face it yourself? You constantly ask to see them and when given the chance “I don’t have time to pick up the boys today” is probably the most used excuse, I sure do love getting that call 10 minutes before you’re supposed to be here; I just love being the person to deliver the shocking news that “Daddy isn’t coming today” I know that you think the boys won’t remember these days but that’s a lie, we don’t know what they will remember….do you know that your son ran up to a stranger that LOOKED similar to you screaming “DADDY!!!”? Of course not…and the pain I felt when I saw him run to that stranger will forever haunt me because I could see the happiness in his face when he thought it was you….and the sadness in his face when he looked up only to see a stranger looking down at him with a smile…
So i’d like for you to know that they don’t NEED you like you think they do because frankly you aren’t that great of a dad anyways. If I have to learn to throw a football for my 2 boys I will, if I have to teach them to “be a man” I will, if I have to be the assistant coach for the baseball team I will….they don’t NEED you they WANTED you…they wanted the father son connection that some boys are lucky enough to have but I will forever have the pleasure of being Mom and Dad for them because at the end of they day they will know who has always been there, who worked hardest for them, who learned how to throw a football for them…they will know who WANTED to be there for them instead of being FORCED to be there for them; which I will not do. I will not FORCE you to do what you’re SUPPOSED to do…instead I will do it for you; I will take the RESPONSIBILITY for your actions because I love my boys more than you will ever know.
I will not bad mouth your name because lets be honest you’ve proven yourself already in just 3 short years, I will not say you left them behind for the single lifestyle because just as I did they will grow up to realize for themselves that it was you. It wasn’t me who held you back from them, you did it yourself…and yes they will put it together that you only lived 15 minutes away and didn’t want to come pick them up for the day….and boy do I pray that they are nice about the way they tell you how they feel about you because I know I was angry about mine when I figured it out but they are fine for now and I’d like to Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be both Mom and Dad because not only am I having the pleasure of teaching them things a mother is supposed to teach them but also what a father is…the satisfaction of being able to do both is incredible…we have memories together that YOU were supposed to have with them and they are memories I will forever cherish. So Thank you for disappearing…Dad.